Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
