I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
