omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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