I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Randomize
