i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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