you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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