Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I need to sanitize my soul.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
