I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize