Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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