That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
