My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
