and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
