Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
