It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
