my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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