apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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