I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Randomize
