I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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