I accidentally had phone sex last night
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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