I'm going to rape someone's good day.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
