My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
