there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
