He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
