guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
