Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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