I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
