Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize