That's intense
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
