If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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