got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
