Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
