He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
