Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
