Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize