i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
