We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
