she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
