with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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