You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize