why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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