I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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