When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
She bit a glass in half.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
