her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
