I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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