my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
