So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
