im having a threesome with these popsicles
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
