Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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