Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
