haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Alive.
So much puke
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
