So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
