I'm sorry my penis didn't work
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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