If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize