Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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