my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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