The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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