apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
