I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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