Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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