please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
