I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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