Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
