so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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