i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
