you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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